Hate alone is not enough to nourish. But there’s rage too.

i am thinking that #2 and #5 are most important

everytime the iroomba comes up on woot! i hesitate for a few seconds and the let it sell out while i read reviews and manuals trying to figure out if it’ll be worth while. everytime, that is, until the last time. i bought one during the last woot-off.
i didn’t even own a vacuum so the cost of a vacuum helped me justify the purchase. i suppose most purchasers justify the purchase based on the claim that it will save them time. i cannot make that claim.
when i set the thing up for the first time, i spent 20 minutes perfecting the location of the home base (it fits nicely under my bed). once that task was complete, i pressed the clean button on the remote control and proceeded to watch the robot navigate under and around the 9 legs of my desk and chair and move to the next room bouncing from wall to wall. i probably watched for 40 minutes. hows that for a time saver?
i’m not a super busy person where i can say that i don’t have enough time to sweep my floors and my place isn’t that big so it isn’t a huge production to pull out the broom and clean the floors.
so i guess this is really just a productive form of entertainment for me. the $99 cable package that i pay for but haven’t watched in two months doesn’t clean my floors, just my bank account.

where do you go when you can’t find beauty in anything? all you see is decay? do look into the future? the past? the present? when you don’t pick a course because you have no hope. it all adds up to a loss. we all have a past present and future. the future and the past are held together by this instant we call now. and the direction that we chose is based on the past to avoid being where we don’t want to be and guessing where we think we want to be. no matter how wide you zoom the lens you have to ignore the blurry region that is death and doom and nothingness. it’s the only way to choose a direction. because all directions lead to it. albeit in different timeframes but they are all the same path. to the grave. that’s why it’s important to keep the past and future in balance so that the present is as good as you can make it.
i have a terrible time with…well…time. i evaluate it incorrectly. i fail to enjoy the present. let go of the past. hope for the future. i need to enjoy, let go and hope. without it there isn’t much left. and that’s the whole point.

P.O.S.

On why “sticking feathers in your ass does not make you a chicken,” a line from “Half-Cocked Concepts”:

“I think it’s something that’s entirely true, and it’s also a reference to one of my favorite movies, Fight Club. It’s one of those things that Brad Pitt’s just spitting really fast, one of the lines that just pops in there when he’s talking to Ed Norton. Like, have you hit bottom yet? No, you haven’t hit bottom yet. You can act like you’re upset, you can act like you’re disappointed, you can fuck around and say shit like ‘Oh man, I’m so depressed, life is so horrible,’ or whatever. Sticking feathers in your ass doesn’t make you a chicken?you haven’t hit bottom until you’ve hit bottom. You can’t fake it. Live, be happy, enjoy yourself.”

From The Onion

i don’t know how to say no. sometimes i’m more afraid of letting someone down that i’ll put there immediate needs before mine. now that may not sound like a bad thing. it might be considered generous, but it’s actually self-serving because i’m decieving the person into believing i really desire to do the things that i agree to even if that’s not true. it has a real negative affect in a relationship and if i constantly avoid hurting the other person by putting my stuff aside, then i start resenting the person or the relationship. after years of doing this, i sometimes don’t even know when i’m doing it. it’s probably me projecting my insecurities on the other person. like anticipating that s/he is as weak as me and can’t accept rejection. i guess the solution is to develop some self-assurance/confidence/reliance where i don’t seek acceptance from the outside but seek it from within. i’ll get right on that.

ugh.

people like to talk about themselves. i don’t like talking about myself that much. i mean i’ll do it but i’m not comfortable there. so pepole say i’m a good communicator when really all i am is a listener. i don’t contritute anything because i keep it locked up pretty well. that’s one reason the blog is sparse. it doesn’t come natural for me to pontificate or anything. i probably do it to protect myself but what i’m really doing is bottling things up. and if i actually communicated well then i’d let my thoughts and feelings out instead of trying to contain them. i thought of an analogy the other day between feelings and bottle rockets. if you light off a bottle rocket and it flies into the air it pops and that’s it no damage done, save for the nearby gnat or fly which may not fair well in the explosion. on the other hand if you set the bottle rocket off in a bottle, like facing down so it doesn’t move, then the explosion is going to destroy the bottle. so if you keep things locked up too long and don’t release them and resolve them then they’ll tear you up.

I keep letting these moments pass me by. I don’t have enough respect for missed opportunities and don’t allow them to teach me much. It’ll catch up to me, I know. Opportunities will be gone. Abilities. Skills. I envy (again but don’t learn from) people that I see enjoying what they’re doing and taking an active role in it. I guess it boils down to knowing what you want, having the confidence that you’re on the right path, the clarity to identify when you’re not heading the right way, and the strength to change it. Letting go. Living.
I have this recurring feeling that I have way too much faith and trust in the past, less in the present and almost none in the future. It’s a control issue.
Not preparing, caring or wanting a future = no direction. Part of living life is making decisions. I don’t. I leave things ambiguous. I’m ambivalent. About almost everything. Even the things that I know I want or enjoy. I don’t recommend it.

So everyones crying about supergerms and shit. I personnally have been seeking out non-anti-bacterial soap and avoid antibiotics (yes no hyphens, I just like typing that word, hyphens) so that I don’t encourage the supergerm.
See, as you might know, evolution is premised, at least lately, on survival of the fittest. So everyone is trying real hard like to pass on there genes. From the southern bell debutant all the way down to the e-coli coming out of her ass. But if you die before you procreate than you’re genes, which may resisit AIDS, cancer or other population modulators, don’t live on in the form of a progeny. So, of late, antibiotics and antibacterial soap have come under fire. If you kill off all of the bacteria that is suceptable to anti-bacterial soap then, the bacteria that can resist your anti-bacterial-ism will survive and have no competition. The bacteria that survived anti-bacerial-ism are going to be resistant to anti-biotics that have been developed and a certain part of the human population will die off because their immune systems and our anti-biotics can’t protect them.
I bought into this theory for a while but then I realized that the theory is in fact another manifestation of survival of the fittest. If the supergerm can survive my anti-bacterial soap then it is strong. And let’s say, I can’t fight that bacteria, then I am weak. And the winner is……..the bacteria. Which kills me and my weak genes. Ultimately, this is good for the human waste (I mean race). Then we build a superhuman that is immune to the bacteria which is immune to the anti-bacterial soap that we developed and we get to develop more anti-bacterial products which will make another person rich (more than probably a anglo-pharmaceutical heir) who can afford more medical care to advance their weak genes.

So women pretty much require men to be dicks. I’ve been fortunate so far in that I haven’t had to be an outright dick, even though I am by nature. Just like me(n), they want something but don’t explicitly state it. However, on their side of the gameboard they give something in order to get what they want without disclosing the expectations attached with the give. On the otherhand, men take something without dislosing what they don’t want. So, it turns into a dance. Each to a different song but seemingly to the same beat. At some point the two songs that the pair are dancing to become out of sync and things start getting awkward. The dance is no longer beautiful but atrocious. I guess that men pretty much require women to be bitches. It’s a dance that’s older than any of us.

I’d be more concerned if it didn’t.

Some people do nothing but give. Some nothing but take. It’s a dangerous combination, one where oppopsite’s attracting becomes detri-mental. And unfortunately true giving and taking can be a blury subject. One could appear to be giving something but only to receive and that’s not really giving. And someone may be taking in a sense that they reveal their vulnerability to the giver which is a gift.

The girl I’m seeing has been great to me and I’ve tried to distance myself and not let her get too close. We have a great time together but I’m not giving her what she needs. After all that she’s given me she asked “what can I do different”. She’s willing to change, give. I’m not. I think I’m taking and I;m not proud of it.

I think I’m a little too enthusiastic about mediocrity (my own that is). It’s a safe place to hang. When you fall you don’t land as hard as when you’re shooting for the sky. Sort of a shame. Because I am privelaged I can get what I need without as much struggle. That’s the origin of my new battle cry. Helllllll Mabye!!!!

This is the name of a new service here in NYC that will deliver three chef-prepared gourmet meals to you by 6 AM. This probably works out perfectly for people who don?t mind getting up in the morning.

I was in a zone today. I worked the morning at a job site in midtown and solved a few problems and made a delivery of parts to someone in need and met a former co-worker (pretty much a mentor for me when I started here). While I was up there I ran across about 7 people that I?d worked for on my big project two years ago. It was good to see them and it didn?t look like I had pissed them off too much when we last worked together. Then after lunch I headed downtown to fix some communications problems at another job site. The whole day I was on top of stuff and had great interest in the things I was doing and the roles I was filling. I was in a Zone today.

In fact, I hope this Zone continues because I am leaving now for some night work.

The main thing that made me want to get this out is the fact that I need to find a way to enter a Zone in my life. If I could attack my life like I attacked things today I wouldn?t get so discouraged. I probably expect myself to be at this level all of the time, which I know is unrealistic. But this feels alive. I don?t feel that way all of the time. A similar feeling comes to me after playing guit. That?s a good sign that I?m in the right business because I know guit is a positive thing for me.

So, if these chefs could cook up something to bring on this zone I found myself in today, then I?d pony up the $40/day. But for tonight, I guess it?s left over pizza and guacamole Doritos.

An interesting thing happened to me yesterday. Very much like when the sun shows itself during a storm. I was driving down the road and experienced a sense of confidence and possibly even hope. The unfortunate part of this experience is it’s frequency and the polar feeling that fills between the peaks, if what I sensed can be called a peak. I’m pretty sure that how I saw things during this stretch of pavement is the “way it’s supposed to be.” I’m not sure what brought it on but I’d sure like to bottle whatever it was. The other thing that I wasn’t able to identify is what made it go away. I think it stuck around for an hour or two. The trip was a few hundred miles so I was in the car for a while.

Was it something that I ate?
3 cups of coffee, 1 venti *$ vanilla latte (free coupon), ginger sesame sandwich

Well, I don’ think it’s the coffee. I have coffe every day. I’m hoping it’s not the latte because in that case, I can’t afford to feel this way very often. Maybe I’ll just stick to the ginger and sesame. That should be doable.

Was it something I did?
Laundry, washed my apartment windows, went to Central Park to see that gates debacle, spent time with the X, missed 3 subway trains and had to run a mile to get home in time for my trip?

I’ve done laundry before. Never helped much. It’s difficult to imagine that missing trains would make you think you could conquer the world. I’ve spent the last 9 years with the X, without long stretches of this view of the world. So that means, my solution could be to work as a window cleaner (which I’ve considered before) and get some orange shower curtains.

I guess I’ll have to file this search for clarity as another work in progress. I call them delusions of adecquacy because until these delusions become and outlook instead of a passing hole in the sky then the adecquacy cannot reveal itself.