Hate alone is not enough to nourish. But there’s rage too.

where do you go when you can’t find beauty in anything? all you see is decay? do look into the future? the past? the present? when you don’t pick a course because you have no hope. it all adds up to a loss. we all have a past present and future. the future and the past are held together by this instant we call now. and the direction that we chose is based on the past to avoid being where we don’t want to be and guessing where we think we want to be. no matter how wide you zoom the lens you have to ignore the blurry region that is death and doom and nothingness. it’s the only way to choose a direction. because all directions lead to it. albeit in different timeframes but they are all the same path. to the grave. that’s why it’s important to keep the past and future in balance so that the present is as good as you can make it.
i have a terrible time with…well…time. i evaluate it incorrectly. i fail to enjoy the present. let go of the past. hope for the future. i need to enjoy, let go and hope. without it there isn’t much left. and that’s the whole point.

So I didn’t fag out. Did the open mic and played Woke Up and Use Me. Messed up the first verse of Use Me but pulled it together. Hands were rubbery so I didn’t attempt the embellishments I’d worked out for woke up. Ef and Nk were there which made it cool. Thought I’d get some feedback from them. It was warm. “At least you got up there”, “It’s not all about the singing.” I got the picture that it was mediocre. I followed a bunch of pretty talented singers so that was differnet from last time when there was some newbies. Also, I didn’t fuck up last time like I did this. But, my perspective was that I was slightly more comfortable this time although, surely, visibly nervous. I could swear people were clapping to the beat of woke up, I thought it was Nk and Ef but she said she didn’t hear it. Anyway, I’m mostly just typing this down to document my challenge to keep this up and nail down some more repetoir. There’s mic’s in redhook on Thursdays. I;m going to try to get two under my belt in a week.

I’m pretty ineffective these days. I’m terrible at closing things out. I’m good at getting halfway into something and then getting distracted or lost. My ability to define or even complete tasks has deteriorated. Chances are I wasn’t ever really good at it but man have I worsened. Simple things too. The only thing I can effectively accomplish is laundry. Oh, one accomplishment I can claim is superior half-assed-ness. Work, Music, Life, Home, Family, Friends, Love, Hate, Happiness, Anger-All half-assed. They say you get out of life what you put into it. I’ve been graced with getting more than I’ve given.

It’s starting to catch up with me. I need to identify if I’m just plain lazy or if I’m just terrible at defining what stokes me about the things I do (if they stoke me at all). Or maybe I just have a miserable attitude. I don’t seem to take pride in anything that I do. Or maybe I’m just a pussy, too afraid to risk anything. Seems like I’m spiralling but at least I got all of this out. Me me me me me, I I I I. Maybe I’m too self centered and selfish to consider anything else but my self-loathing.

Gotta post more when I’m on top of my shit. This place is looking gloomy as hell.

I’m beat. Tired. But it’s to be expected. Had a long weekend that I want to post about and a pretty long day today. Just got up from the death grip of a power nap. Phone woke me up. E’s calling but I’m unable to regain sufficient mobility, consciousness or motivation to get it. It has sort of become a thing where she’s got a weekly thing going on in my neighb and she’ll hang in the hood afterward. Fairly understood. That spooks me. Even though she leaves a message I owe a call to Nubby-G. When I finally get up, I give n.g. a call and he wants to get a steak. My calling him first tells me that I’m a little reluctant to see E. I tell n.g. that I’ll call him back. Hanging w/ n.g. is something I don’t get to do too often.

I can’t sort out in my mind what I want or why I’m doing it. Not a big deal, just strained from the fatigue.

I start feeling obligated to E. She’s going to be all, “you should want to see me. It’s been a few days.” And she’s right. But I am probably going to see her out of obligation instead of desire. Obligation sounds harsh but that’s the best description I can muster. It’s not fair to either of us. It will be nice to see her. But it would be nice to see her tomorrow too. I don’t want her to feel unhappy because of me. An idle mind is the devil’s playground. I’m not too active in asserting or persuing my needs and wants so I end up with not much to do and then I think to myself… well I’m not doing anything better. All of this points towards apathy.

These don’t seem to be the thoughts of a well polished psyche. Full lot of indecision, indifference, ambiguity, conflict and a lacking in foundation, enthusiasm, and discipline. Just figure out what you want and get in the drivers seat. Passengering doesn’t seem to be fulfilling you.

i don’t know how to say no. sometimes i’m more afraid of letting someone down that i’ll put there immediate needs before mine. now that may not sound like a bad thing. it might be considered generous, but it’s actually self-serving because i’m decieving the person into believing i really desire to do the things that i agree to even if that’s not true. it has a real negative affect in a relationship and if i constantly avoid hurting the other person by putting my stuff aside, then i start resenting the person or the relationship. after years of doing this, i sometimes don’t even know when i’m doing it. it’s probably me projecting my insecurities on the other person. like anticipating that s/he is as weak as me and can’t accept rejection. i guess the solution is to develop some self-assurance/confidence/reliance where i don’t seek acceptance from the outside but seek it from within. i’ll get right on that.

ugh.

I was terrible today. I got nothing done. Well I did the laundry but that was it. Completely ineffective. No motivation. I allowed myself to just not work. It was discouraging. I have definite tasks that I could knock out but I didn’t. Which makes me feel worse and on and on. It’s a very self-desctructive path. I guess I can just call it a rut but I need to start bootstrapping a little more effectively. Either that or just come to terms with my shortcomings and at least stop feeling bad. Tomorrow’s a new set of 24 if I wake up for it so all I can do is try to be better tomorrow.

I keep letting these moments pass me by. I don’t have enough respect for missed opportunities and don’t allow them to teach me much. It’ll catch up to me, I know. Opportunities will be gone. Abilities. Skills. I envy (again but don’t learn from) people that I see enjoying what they’re doing and taking an active role in it. I guess it boils down to knowing what you want, having the confidence that you’re on the right path, the clarity to identify when you’re not heading the right way, and the strength to change it. Letting go. Living.
I have this recurring feeling that I have way too much faith and trust in the past, less in the present and almost none in the future. It’s a control issue.
Not preparing, caring or wanting a future = no direction. Part of living life is making decisions. I don’t. I leave things ambiguous. I’m ambivalent. About almost everything. Even the things that I know I want or enjoy. I don’t recommend it.

Talked to my cousin Matt today. It was his birthday last week and he’s officially half my age. Old fart. So I’m badgering him about what’s new and this and that and like most teenagers he says nothing. I’m thinking this happens because kids are just hopping through life not really appreciating what’s going on around then. So a little more questioning and he tells me that he may have broken this bone or that bone and that he got a computer for christmas and then when I’m talking to his mom she tells me he’s working on a model plane (something his father used to do). Then the tables turn and I’m asked what’s new. I say not much. Neglecting to mention with out further questioning all of the stuff that’s going on. New car. More music. Played a gig (although that’s a little old and needs to be repeated). It makes me realize that progress is slow and I have to evaluate it more often. It may not seem like much to me but it’s something.

You know what totally makes life. The path. It seems obvious to those who know and naive to those who don’t but …. it’s not now, it’s not then, it’s not when. It’s all of them. I am very fortunate. In addition to that I am privaleged. But right now all I can smell is the coffee that i misfired. I can’t wait and it better taste as good as it smells right now. Finished reading my bro’s post about his trip souff. I’m heading down dare la manana. So fuck you all. I’ll be enjoying my neph and sisylizaw and bro and y’all be fuckin static. Although, I do have to go to work for a few whores tomorrow.
So I’m meeting and leaning a lot of people lately. E’s got some shit. Real flowy. That’s how I’m seeing life. I don’t know if she see’s it the way I do. But anyway the whole purpose of this post was that I met Pierre’s wife today. In know now why he’s always smiling. She’s magnificent. Beautiful. Thoughtful. Thankful and beautiful. I’m shallow but it’s been working ok so far. So she and I talked about life and kids and shit. I had a certain view of life after that we were all just searchin around and we found someone at somepoint. Ok….. Im too wasted to continue. Click drunk.. I’m excited to see Dexter tomorrow. And his mom. And my brother. They’re all the same.

Some people do nothing but give. Some nothing but take. It’s a dangerous combination, one where oppopsite’s attracting becomes detri-mental. And unfortunately true giving and taking can be a blury subject. One could appear to be giving something but only to receive and that’s not really giving. And someone may be taking in a sense that they reveal their vulnerability to the giver which is a gift.

The girl I’m seeing has been great to me and I’ve tried to distance myself and not let her get too close. We have a great time together but I’m not giving her what she needs. After all that she’s given me she asked “what can I do different”. She’s willing to change, give. I’m not. I think I’m taking and I;m not proud of it.

I gizmo’d with Dexter and his parents today. I also VNC’d into their computer so that I could see the pictures that he was looking at locally. He kept saying “this is good, justin, this is good”. I agree it was great. I also booked a flight down to orlando/tampa to hang out with them next weekend. That will be good too.

Today I woke up in a good mood. Which is pretty impressive since I got fairly hammered last night. I hit a few happy hours on the way home from work and got pretty tall. The day is going to include a lunch with the X. I’m not sure how to feel about it. She know’s that I’ve been seeing someone and that’s going to be awkward for the both of us I’m sure. For the past year or so (since the release), I’ve had the mind set that if she wanted me back that I would go back and would be happy. Lately, I’m realizing that getting back together won’t make me happy. I don’t know how to be happy. I place shitloads of expectations on myself, none of which I ever live up to and that leaves a shadow on the happy times.

To prepare for this meeting, I asked for some space from the newbie and it’s safe to say that she’s pissed about it. I’m trying to keep focus on the fact that I need down time and deserve it and don’t owe her this time. It’s mine. I can’t fault myself for needing this. Here comes the self attack. I can fault myself for not calling her. No not really. I do a lot of things (in fact everything) out of a manufactured sense of obligation. You’d be surprised how much time I spend doing things that I feel I have to. Not the things that I want to. The only time I consistently do things that I want to is when I catch a good buzz. I want to know how to do that without the buzz. Is it worse for me to call her out of obligation? or not to call her because I don’t feel like it?

I think the answer is obligation would be the worst. She doesn’t want that. Is that pity?

My only obligation is to myself right now. Finding passion. Cultivating it. Enjoying it.

I stall on everything. It’s as if I’m deciding whether to skydive rather than to eat breakfast or do laundry. Somehow the simplest decisions conflict me. Then if and when I finally arrive at a conclusion I waver or am easily distracted from it. There’s reason for me to believe that it’s because I’m so concerned with not completing a task that I never begin it at all. Or it could be that I just have attention defecit. Or motivation deficit. Since I have the tendancy to be negative let me see if I can turn that around…..

I have a sloth abundance or distraction surplus.

Ok. That’s more positive.

Thanks. That helped. I think I’ll try to talk these things out here in the blog instead of up in the thought bucket. That just leads to spiraling.

One of my fears about digital music distribution showed it’s beady little eyes to me the other night. I was on the phone with my nephew (who was about to watch Amercan Idle, which I could post entirely but won’t) and he was telling me about the 80’s rock that he was listening to. He said his father used to listen to the stuff but so did I as his dad and I were quite tight back then. When he mentioned Dokken, Extreme and Van Halen, I asked which VH albums. His reply was that he didn’t know because he just had them on his sister’s iWhatever. I realized that I’ve fallen victim to that as well. Like with the White Stripes. My exposure to them has been mostly through my Rio Karma and I don’t know anything about the progression of any of the albums or even which albums belong to which songs (strike that flip it). An era has passed that I relished in. Where you’d name what track on what album this song or that song was? Which album was first? What personnel was on which album? I have a friend that can probably tell you the track number, album and year of any Zeppelin tune.
I guess this is similar to the album sides going the way of the LP and tape with the advent of the CD.
Oh well. Onward and outward.

I’m having trouble keeping my head straight. My mental stability is far greater than it was a year ago at this time but I’m still extremely anxious and run down and weak. My feelings have far too much control over my behavior than my intelligence. There’s a lot of internal strife where there needn’t be. There are many people that would love to be in my situation (that sounds familiar) but I can’t seem to appreciate it. Am I just selfish? Unable to appreciate what I have? Always feeling like something is missing? Or is it that I don’t want the things that I have? Should I be seeking something completely different?

It’s concerning that I’m so complacent about life. So hopeless. So reserved to status quo and unwilling to desire and achieve something. I’m letting a lot of opportunities pass me by just because I’m too lazy or afraid or wrapped up in my self manufactured misery.

I think I’m a little too enthusiastic about mediocrity (my own that is). It’s a safe place to hang. When you fall you don’t land as hard as when you’re shooting for the sky. Sort of a shame. Because I am privelaged I can get what I need without as much struggle. That’s the origin of my new battle cry. Helllllll Mabye!!!!

Well. I guess it’s been a year since she told me that she was done. The shit went down at Thanksgiving time last year. I’m expecting a better turkey day this year than last because I was a bloody wreck. I was pretty much on the couch for two days straight. I did get up on Thursday to volunteer some time and make me feel better (although it was time volunteered in the richest Brooklyn neighb). This year I’ve made the decision to spend it alone again. I have an urge to go spend it with my family and miss them to all hell cause I haven’t been there in 4 months. But I think the time will best be spent in solitude. Me and my thoughts. It can be a dangerous place because I’m still learning how to treat myself with a modicon of respect. It seems that my efforts to convince myself that things aren’t quite as shitty as I perceive have failed so far. Believe me, I understand that plenty of people wish they had my problems. Things could be a thousand times worse. But I just haven’t learned how to deal with what I have. My focus is on what I don’t. And because of my faulty self-image, the things I haven’t don’t motivate me. Time to find other things that I don’t have that do motivate me.

I love Brooklyn. I’m walking down the street contemplating what to do with my life. You know go out and shop around or stick with pasta and marinara. These are the things that occupy my mind these days. I’m not dodging insurgent fire or watching out for suicide bombers.

Anyway, I see this beautiful girl walking my way. My eyes were pretty fixed on her as she passed by (no return eye contact) and then I took the obligatory booty glance. As I turn back around I hear an older black dude in back of me,

OBD: “You think you could handle it”
I&I: “I’d like to think so but probably not” (not the truth)
OBD: “What’ve you got to lose? You got to use it while you can. You’re at a good age.”
I&I: “Use it while it still works, huh?”
OBD: “That’s right. Somewhere around 72 all you’ll be doing is saying good morning to your shoes. How old are you?”
I&I: “32 on Wednesday”
OBD: “I’m 82. Born in 1923. When I was your age I never had my pants on.”

I’ve been instrospecting a bit lately. Well, more than usual anyway. It’s strange when you read, listen, live stuff that exposes you to yourself. There’s just been a few too many songs, books, web-sites and experiences this morning and over the past week or so for me to ignore.

I was told about this Czeck word Litost for which there is no direct translation into English. I don’t claim to understand it exactly but what I did take from it struck me. I heard of and excerpt from Milan Kundera’s novel ”The Book of Laughter and Forgetting” that described it as the sudden realization of the inherent imperfection of humanity by someone who walked through life in complete denial of that imperfection. A search yielded the following “Untranslatable directly into English, it simultaneously means: longing, sadness, irony and indifference.” This sort of explains the way I felt last year and still sometimes now. I wasn’t real receptive to my imperfections or the faults with my relationships, then I was forced to deal with a whole bunch of problems all at once. Hind sight is 20-20 but I would imagine that acknowleding and dealing with that stuff up front is something I could have benefitted from.

I’m reading a “The Unearable Lightness of Being”, also by Milan Kundera. The character Franz was with his wife for 23 years and upon deciding to reveal his 9-month afair is expecting her to brakedown. When she doesn’t he wonders why he waited so long. I never cheated or anything and I don’t know why I paid special attention to this, but I wanted to get it down so that I could think about it some more.

One last thing was a Post Secret entry where I can typically find a lot of suff I can relate to but this one clicked. I’m not nearly as desparate about life as this individual but I definitely noticed that sometimes I fill my time up with people/things/activities that don’t help me or help me avoid dealing with myself or my shit.

Bought myself some electronic drums. They’re fun. I’m not much of a time keeper but it helps me get this percussion out of me. I’m always walking around tappin’ shit and annoying people. It’s possible that this will quell that impulse but my guess is it’s just fuel for the fire.

I still need to set it up proper like but here’s a few photos

And here’s my first like not standard beat. As you’ll hear, I’m mesmerized by the hit hat clamp down pedal. It’s wet. I mean hot.

Pssst Pssst

I’m finishing a week here in San Deigo. It’s been a nice breather from real life. I rented a convertible and drove up the coast. Stopped at every beach on the way. Which is pretty uncharacteristic of me. I usually avoid beaches and complain about the sand. I’m a real dufus when it comes to that sometimes. I really enjoyed the day though. Just stopping on my way on a beautiful day listening to tunes and walking down the beach. Good alone time. Reflected a little. Not too much though. It’s really beautiful out here. I wonder how long that would work for me. If I’d miss the snow. The changing of the seasons. I always felt like I’d miss it but I don’t know anymore. I seem to be taking advantage of it the way I should. Going to the beach every day after work. Running along the beach? Very strange. Watching the sun set. But I’d like to take this chill factor back home with me. Treat life as I’m treating this ‘vacation’. Make the most of it. I need to rethink what the most is, but I should start with just doing stuff. Sounds like an obvious statement but for me, especially for the last few years, it’s not.
Me’s been thinking a lot about her on this trip. Missed opportunities, not being able to share this with her. Missed is not accurate, more like untaken. I can’t let that bog me down though. I have to enjoy these moments now because I can’t change the past and if I don’t enjoy them now they won’t be the past in the future. I guess now is the only opportunity to change the past that will be in the future.

Saw her for the first time in two months last night. I had to got pick up some remaining stuff. Pictures she used to have of us are gone. For some reason I was holding on to that. I suppose I’m not very realistic. We spent an hour or two together and talked about things going on with her. Not much about me. Sort of par for the course. That’s what I do. I’d rather fill the time with stuff about her instead of dealing with myself. I’m like a magician when it comes to changing the subject if the subject is me.
She told me about how she confronted her X from a decade and half ago. He was real bad to her. She nailed the dismount and was real proud of her self and I was too. She’s doing just fine. Living life.
I’m focusing on what’s not there and can’t see what is. I’m fine. I just feel like I’m taking a gaggingly mouth full bite of a shit sandwich when I wake up every morning. I’m fine. Job. Home. Mobility. The only thing that holds me to the pad is me and I’m pretty good at it.
We did talk about what I was doing with the place for a bit. I must have said something less than enthusiastic and she asked “you’re not excited about it anymore?”. I had to stop myself from asking “anymore?”. Figured that wouldn’t give any good results. I took this on because I thought it would keep us together. I realize now that it would take a lot more than this to keep us together. And of all shit that people do to try to save togetherdome (marriage, children, menage a trois) real estate has a pretty good upside.

Went back north this weekend to visit the family. It was Kari’s birthday almost too. Good to see all the players. Played in the pool. Didn’t have much to report to them ’bout the goings on of my life. Had some music to show them and they obliged.

Had one experience that convinced me I’m still not well. I was sitting by the steps and watching everyone play with M. T. who broke his collar bone and elbow. Bro, Kate, Ty and Kari in the pool. Chas throwing the ball back to them. Kris, M and Mom at the table. Everyone getting involved. Then I was watching D.J. do something and I just got down about what his life was going to be like. Came out of no where. He was laughing and having a good time but I still felt this way. I can’t imagine how bad I’d feel if he wasn’t healthy or something. Life should not be seen as a burden but I can’t seem to shake the notion. Certainly shouldn’t feel that way with how easy I’ve had it.

I’ve adopted the policy of making a concerted effort not to have direct communications with her. It’s against my instincts and truly impossible due to our financial interests. I just got the urge (one I’ve had a few times over the past few weeks) to just IM her and say what’s up. I don’t know if it’s me grasping at straws. Gasping for air? I don’t exactly know who this policy is aimed at. Me or her. I feel like it’s not fair for me to be contacting her. Giver space. It’s also to see if it does anything for me. I’m stubborn. So there’s actually a possibility that I won’t let go just because I’m stubborn. But it sure feels like I miss her and want to be with her.

The truth of the matter is that I chose to be miserable. I’ve been doing it for decades now. I make everything a struggle. I make big deals about mistakes. I have to learn to hike up the skirt and quit getting so caught up in shit. Let moods come and go. React to them, work through them, stop avoiding them, stop denying them.

This is a post that probably could have been made a million times since November 22, 2004. I’ve been avoiding it. I miss her. It hurts. I don’t cry (but I should). I hate (mostly me). I miss. I want. I wish. I think. It doesn’t compute. I’m lost. I hope. But I know.

I know it can’t work the way it was. I know that nothing has changed to make it work now. But I can’t accept that it isn’t.

Life can suck. I understand that there are worse places to be, worse things to feel, worse hands to be delt. None of it makes this feel better. Instead of being happy with what I have I wish that I was in the worse places, feeling worse and wanting to throw the good cards down that I’ve been delt. Because I think that the pain in doing so will make me forget that which I feel now. But it wouldn’t. I’m going to feel this way until, if ever, I figure out how not to.

I woke up on Monday and couldn?t quite figure out why I keep doing it. Waking up every morning. Feels like it?s just a habit. I have no passion, no drive, very little will, no motivation. It sort of sucks. I told this to the tool, and somehow it got turned into whether I was honest with myself or not and then whether I connect with people or not. Turns out I probably don?t. I can?t even get angry with him. I have this fucking aversion to conflict and expressing negative feelings towards someone not necessarily because of how it?ll make them feel but because I can?t deal with the tension. And furthermore, because I don?t feel like they can accept a negative evaluation or comment. And even furthermore, the reason I don?t feel like they can deal with it is because I can?t deal with it. I project that on to them. So why is it that I can?t deal with a negative comment on me. Is it because I question the judgment of the other person? Or is it because I?m not up to the challenge that it presents? And what do I do with that evaluation that they suggest? I modify myself to make sure it doesn?t happen again. I change myself. What?s so bad about me that I have to change because someone thinks differently about me than I do (or did before they said something). I can?t be that horrible can I. Well I guess I can because I?m only human. And what?s so terrible about being horrible? Nothing if you?re ok with that. But wouldn?t that be great to tell someone that you?re mad at them or that they?ve disappointed you and you work it out and become better people, not necessarily that either one of you changed but that you discussed it openly and honestly and came to the conclusion that it no matter what you still meant a lot to each other?

I?ve had this feeling like I was a lot stronger back when I was 18. Now that?s not the way it?s supposed to go. If you make use of the years hear on Earth it shouldn?t make you weaker. At least not in my case where I haven?t had a tragic stay here so far. Maybe it?s the tragedy that makes you stronger. But it?s the only reason that I could accept getting weaker. So I started to think that maybe I?m weaker because I don?t stand my ground. This is wrong though. Standing your ground isn?t strength. Strength is found in facing the truth, evaluating and changing if you need to. That?s what I lack. I?m going to get to work on that.

I’ve got this weird reaction to just about everything except for the drink in front of me. Whereas, most people, I believe, may have a desire or a whim which they actually consider or even act on, I have developed this recoil to (or from) these ideas. I’m talking about material things mostly but it also applies to diversions, excursions, aspirations, relationships, eating, enjoyment, intraspection blah blah blah. It does not seem to apply to listening to music, playing music, inanely surfing the internet and imbibing the sweet nectre of the gods. It appears to be moderate to severe self-destructive behavior that isn’t getting me anywhere. There are a few possible explanations for this.

1) I’m just a complete loser-but unless I have an unlimited supply of wool to pull over peoples eyes then I’m going to have to trust the people that tell me I’m not.

2) I’m too afraid of living which means taking action, making mistakes, recovering and getting back on that bike and riding again. This sort of fits in with a revelation that I had a few weeks ago. I never consider a positive outcome to things. For instance if I want something there are two options that I consider. i) I go for it and don’t get it and that sucks, ii) I don’t go for it and don’t go for it and don’t get it and that’s ok. The third option that doesn’t enter my field of vision is that I go for it and get it.

Here I go again, I’m just an idiot. I can’t finish. Really should delete this but I know I have to post it.

Brooklyn is the bomb. I’m much more of a voyeur than I give myself credit for. While i was sitting at the kitchen table working, a cab pulled front and center in the view of my window. As it was raining out, the half openned back window caught my attention. Through the window I noticed the man in the back was resting his head on the passenger to his left. This seemed odd for a Wednesday at 6:30PM. As the other man and women paid the fare, the corpse came to life (well, not exactly life) . He tried getting out of the cab and made opening a cab door look more difficult than solving the rubiks cube with no arms. Maybe the door was locked? Suddenly, he became quite frantic and I could tell time was running out. As he began to spill all over himself and the cab I thought it such a shame that the windows only went half-way down. That extra 4.5 inches would have made the difference. His friend finally made it around to this side of the cab and openned the door (guess it wasn’t locked) in time for the last few heaves. At this point the cabbie was none too happy, but they jumped back in the cab and took off. Regurge and paper towels securely stuck to the pavement I think to myself, I know I’ll be sweeping those rags off my side walk.

An hour later, the rain has stopped but I’m still working. I notice the two other passengers at the bar across the street enjoying a cigarette at the outdoor seating. The party must go on.

I hope they tipped that cabbie well.

Every year, my best friend from high school gets a bunch of people together to do an MS Walk (http://www.nationalmssociety.org/) in honor of his sister who has the disease. We typically walk it up in Portsmouth, NH, but since the P-Town walk was on a Sunday this year, we felt that it would curb our post walk bar crawl. Instead we walked down in Newburyport, MA on a Saturday with the intent to go up to P-town afterwards.

So I figured I’d contact a friend of mine name C. King and his wife Regina (the Queen). Unfortunately, when I mentioned that we’d be walking on Saturday he said that he wouldn’t be in town. We decided that it was too bad but that there’d be other opportunities.

The walk was beautiful. Nice weather. Nice old historic houses. Oh, and my sister showed up and walked with us. She and I had an opportunity to talk about some stuff that we haven’t taken the time for in a while.

After the 6-mile trek we headed north to Hew Nampshire. Upon arrival, my buddy and I had to secure some beer funds at the ATM. As we’re walking down the street, I see a familiar face and I blurt “Regina” as she walks past. My buddy thought I’d been stricken with turrets syndrome. But after an uncomfortable couple of strides away from us, the girl recognized her own name and turned around. Turns out the Queen and King were in town for the night and staying at the same hotel as me.

We ended up partaking in some Pabst pitchers for $5 at a pool joint and the Regals got along right good with my other friends. And as it turns out, my friends from the walk introduced me to the person that introduced me to the King and Queen.

An interesting thing happened to me yesterday. Very much like when the sun shows itself during a storm. I was driving down the road and experienced a sense of confidence and possibly even hope. The unfortunate part of this experience is it’s frequency and the polar feeling that fills between the peaks, if what I sensed can be called a peak. I’m pretty sure that how I saw things during this stretch of pavement is the “way it’s supposed to be.” I’m not sure what brought it on but I’d sure like to bottle whatever it was. The other thing that I wasn’t able to identify is what made it go away. I think it stuck around for an hour or two. The trip was a few hundred miles so I was in the car for a while.

Was it something that I ate?
3 cups of coffee, 1 venti *$ vanilla latte (free coupon), ginger sesame sandwich

Well, I don’ think it’s the coffee. I have coffe every day. I’m hoping it’s not the latte because in that case, I can’t afford to feel this way very often. Maybe I’ll just stick to the ginger and sesame. That should be doable.

Was it something I did?
Laundry, washed my apartment windows, went to Central Park to see that gates debacle, spent time with the X, missed 3 subway trains and had to run a mile to get home in time for my trip?

I’ve done laundry before. Never helped much. It’s difficult to imagine that missing trains would make you think you could conquer the world. I’ve spent the last 9 years with the X, without long stretches of this view of the world. So that means, my solution could be to work as a window cleaner (which I’ve considered before) and get some orange shower curtains.

I guess I’ll have to file this search for clarity as another work in progress. I call them delusions of adecquacy because until these delusions become and outlook instead of a passing hole in the sky then the adecquacy cannot reveal itself.