Hate alone is not enough to nourish. But there’s rage too.

i do believe that julio gonazlez showed me some peace tonight. and i am sure that he didn’t use human growth hormone or pay an easy G per hour for a hooker. he probably did a bunch of other stuff that i don’t think i agree with. but he gave me what i was looking for. which wasn’t people flying planes into a building or a scapegoat or an easy way out. just peace.
and he quieted a bunch of other people. and peace and quiet seem to go together. much harder in new york than other places (i’ve been). but he shut them up. well.

made me question if it is more powerful for an individual to bring a crowd to speak or to silence.
or is it more powerful for an individual to speak than to be silent.
balance is the answer

oh i saw him very near to my current plot. a building that i was curious about. sensory pleasing all around.

i am thinking that #2 and #5 are most important

tired. had a great weekend with family goings on. got completely fragmented. bent. split. polluted last night at awis’ 21st birthday. oh it was jules’ wedding too. great time. they threw a good pary which is something i figured those two were good at. just seemed like they have a good time. i was binging pretty hard. got to a point where there was karaoke and long heartfelt confab with my bro. i actually tapped out. that never happens.
so anyway got a wakey from kris and things were not looking good for an honorable lift-off. i haven’t been hung over in a while which means my body has just flown the white flag figuring there’s no use, i’ll always fight back by tipping the bottle again. so a little later deej and bexter came in to awake the beast. i wasn’t tryin a hear dat scene. so she went and foraged for some addy to shrink my grey a bit. then i woke up and voided my bowels then my gut. by the time i completed my floor routine, bex and dex showed up. i popped it then asked her for a few more minutes. planned to leave at 11 AM it was 10:25. Round a bout 10:45 moses and dex showed up for the final lift off. matt packed my crap while i de-loused (another life saver). was feeling better. got on the road with john and dom by 11:08..late.. but respectable. stopped off for a coffee and a few glazers for the ride.
we took a pretty long ride and arrived at dina’s two hours later. bit into the hair of the dog and hung with the other side. had a great homemade pasta dinner. lined the stommy something fierce. left for NT and hung with the boyz on the porch once we got settled. nodded off a bit. good speaks with the gents then took another shower.
left for bklyn. got here. played some terrible guit and having some night cap. trying to bring it down. tired. not sleepy but real tired. I’m glad i have work tomorrow so that i can catch up on some sleep and get ready for next weekend. it was great to see everyone this weekend.

where do you go when you can’t find beauty in anything? all you see is decay? do look into the future? the past? the present? when you don’t pick a course because you have no hope. it all adds up to a loss. we all have a past present and future. the future and the past are held together by this instant we call now. and the direction that we chose is based on the past to avoid being where we don’t want to be and guessing where we think we want to be. no matter how wide you zoom the lens you have to ignore the blurry region that is death and doom and nothingness. it’s the only way to choose a direction. because all directions lead to it. albeit in different timeframes but they are all the same path. to the grave. that’s why it’s important to keep the past and future in balance so that the present is as good as you can make it.
i have a terrible time with…well…time. i evaluate it incorrectly. i fail to enjoy the present. let go of the past. hope for the future. i need to enjoy, let go and hope. without it there isn’t much left. and that’s the whole point.

So everyones crying about supergerms and shit. I personnally have been seeking out non-anti-bacterial soap and avoid antibiotics (yes no hyphens, I just like typing that word, hyphens) so that I don’t encourage the supergerm.
See, as you might know, evolution is premised, at least lately, on survival of the fittest. So everyone is trying real hard like to pass on there genes. From the southern bell debutant all the way down to the e-coli coming out of her ass. But if you die before you procreate than you’re genes, which may resisit AIDS, cancer or other population modulators, don’t live on in the form of a progeny. So, of late, antibiotics and antibacterial soap have come under fire. If you kill off all of the bacteria that is suceptable to anti-bacterial soap then, the bacteria that can resist your anti-bacterial-ism will survive and have no competition. The bacteria that survived anti-bacerial-ism are going to be resistant to anti-biotics that have been developed and a certain part of the human population will die off because their immune systems and our anti-biotics can’t protect them.
I bought into this theory for a while but then I realized that the theory is in fact another manifestation of survival of the fittest. If the supergerm can survive my anti-bacterial soap then it is strong. And let’s say, I can’t fight that bacteria, then I am weak. And the winner is……..the bacteria. Which kills me and my weak genes. Ultimately, this is good for the human waste (I mean race). Then we build a superhuman that is immune to the bacteria which is immune to the anti-bacterial soap that we developed and we get to develop more anti-bacterial products which will make another person rich (more than probably a anglo-pharmaceutical heir) who can afford more medical care to advance their weak genes.

So women pretty much require men to be dicks. I’ve been fortunate so far in that I haven’t had to be an outright dick, even though I am by nature. Just like me(n), they want something but don’t explicitly state it. However, on their side of the gameboard they give something in order to get what they want without disclosing the expectations attached with the give. On the otherhand, men take something without dislosing what they don’t want. So, it turns into a dance. Each to a different song but seemingly to the same beat. At some point the two songs that the pair are dancing to become out of sync and things start getting awkward. The dance is no longer beautiful but atrocious. I guess that men pretty much require women to be bitches. It’s a dance that’s older than any of us.

You know what totally makes life. The path. It seems obvious to those who know and naive to those who don’t but …. it’s not now, it’s not then, it’s not when. It’s all of them. I am very fortunate. In addition to that I am privaleged. But right now all I can smell is the coffee that i misfired. I can’t wait and it better taste as good as it smells right now. Finished reading my bro’s post about his trip souff. I’m heading down dare la manana. So fuck you all. I’ll be enjoying my neph and sisylizaw and bro and y’all be fuckin static. Although, I do have to go to work for a few whores tomorrow.
So I’m meeting and leaning a lot of people lately. E’s got some shit. Real flowy. That’s how I’m seeing life. I don’t know if she see’s it the way I do. But anyway the whole purpose of this post was that I met Pierre’s wife today. In know now why he’s always smiling. She’s magnificent. Beautiful. Thoughtful. Thankful and beautiful. I’m shallow but it’s been working ok so far. So she and I talked about life and kids and shit. I had a certain view of life after that we were all just searchin around and we found someone at somepoint. Ok….. Im too wasted to continue. Click drunk.. I’m excited to see Dexter tomorrow. And his mom. And my brother. They’re all the same.

Today I woke up in a good mood. Which is pretty impressive since I got fairly hammered last night. I hit a few happy hours on the way home from work and got pretty tall. The day is going to include a lunch with the X. I’m not sure how to feel about it. She know’s that I’ve been seeing someone and that’s going to be awkward for the both of us I’m sure. For the past year or so (since the release), I’ve had the mind set that if she wanted me back that I would go back and would be happy. Lately, I’m realizing that getting back together won’t make me happy. I don’t know how to be happy. I place shitloads of expectations on myself, none of which I ever live up to and that leaves a shadow on the happy times.

To prepare for this meeting, I asked for some space from the newbie and it’s safe to say that she’s pissed about it. I’m trying to keep focus on the fact that I need down time and deserve it and don’t owe her this time. It’s mine. I can’t fault myself for needing this. Here comes the self attack. I can fault myself for not calling her. No not really. I do a lot of things (in fact everything) out of a manufactured sense of obligation. You’d be surprised how much time I spend doing things that I feel I have to. Not the things that I want to. The only time I consistently do things that I want to is when I catch a good buzz. I want to know how to do that without the buzz. Is it worse for me to call her out of obligation? or not to call her because I don’t feel like it?

I think the answer is obligation would be the worst. She doesn’t want that. Is that pity?

My only obligation is to myself right now. Finding passion. Cultivating it. Enjoying it.

This is a post that probably could have been made a million times since November 22, 2004. I’ve been avoiding it. I miss her. It hurts. I don’t cry (but I should). I hate (mostly me). I miss. I want. I wish. I think. It doesn’t compute. I’m lost. I hope. But I know.

I know it can’t work the way it was. I know that nothing has changed to make it work now. But I can’t accept that it isn’t.

Life can suck. I understand that there are worse places to be, worse things to feel, worse hands to be delt. None of it makes this feel better. Instead of being happy with what I have I wish that I was in the worse places, feeling worse and wanting to throw the good cards down that I’ve been delt. Because I think that the pain in doing so will make me forget that which I feel now. But it wouldn’t. I’m going to feel this way until, if ever, I figure out how not to.

I’ve got this weird reaction to just about everything except for the drink in front of me. Whereas, most people, I believe, may have a desire or a whim which they actually consider or even act on, I have developed this recoil to (or from) these ideas. I’m talking about material things mostly but it also applies to diversions, excursions, aspirations, relationships, eating, enjoyment, intraspection blah blah blah. It does not seem to apply to listening to music, playing music, inanely surfing the internet and imbibing the sweet nectre of the gods. It appears to be moderate to severe self-destructive behavior that isn’t getting me anywhere. There are a few possible explanations for this.

1) I’m just a complete loser-but unless I have an unlimited supply of wool to pull over peoples eyes then I’m going to have to trust the people that tell me I’m not.

2) I’m too afraid of living which means taking action, making mistakes, recovering and getting back on that bike and riding again. This sort of fits in with a revelation that I had a few weeks ago. I never consider a positive outcome to things. For instance if I want something there are two options that I consider. i) I go for it and don’t get it and that sucks, ii) I don’t go for it and don’t go for it and don’t get it and that’s ok. The third option that doesn’t enter my field of vision is that I go for it and get it.

Here I go again, I’m just an idiot. I can’t finish. Really should delete this but I know I have to post it.