Hate alone is not enough to nourish. But there’s rage too.

An interesting thing happened to me yesterday. Very much like when the sun shows itself during a storm. I was driving down the road and experienced a sense of confidence and possibly even hope. The unfortunate part of this experience is it’s frequency and the polar feeling that fills between the peaks, if what I sensed can be called a peak. I’m pretty sure that how I saw things during this stretch of pavement is the “way it’s supposed to be.” I’m not sure what brought it on but I’d sure like to bottle whatever it was. The other thing that I wasn’t able to identify is what made it go away. I think it stuck around for an hour or two. The trip was a few hundred miles so I was in the car for a while.

Was it something that I ate?
3 cups of coffee, 1 venti *$ vanilla latte (free coupon), ginger sesame sandwich

Well, I don’ think it’s the coffee. I have coffe every day. I’m hoping it’s not the latte because in that case, I can’t afford to feel this way very often. Maybe I’ll just stick to the ginger and sesame. That should be doable.

Was it something I did?
Laundry, washed my apartment windows, went to Central Park to see that gates debacle, spent time with the X, missed 3 subway trains and had to run a mile to get home in time for my trip?

I’ve done laundry before. Never helped much. It’s difficult to imagine that missing trains would make you think you could conquer the world. I’ve spent the last 9 years with the X, without long stretches of this view of the world. So that means, my solution could be to work as a window cleaner (which I’ve considered before) and get some orange shower curtains.

I guess I’ll have to file this search for clarity as another work in progress. I call them delusions of adecquacy because until these delusions become and outlook instead of a passing hole in the sky then the adecquacy cannot reveal itself.

Here’s entry number one. I’m going to have to make some progress with this blog stuff. My impression of it is that it should be a flow of consciousness type thing but I have very turbulant flows and I’m not sure how conscious they are.

I guess the first thing that I’ll mention is that this page has been up for almost a year and I felt it was time get my blog on. I was inspired by reading a few entries of friends and family. And while I’m sure I have a lot to say I’m sort of the closed up type that doesn’t let too much get out. You might call it paranoid. You might be right. I’m afraid it will take me some time to get comfortable with bearing myself like I’ve seen in some of the blogs out there. And this is only confirmed (as is my trouble with flow) by the fact that I keep reading back and wanting to change things that I’ve already written.

I’m sure there’s nothing cliche about talking about your first blog in your first blog. That’s it I can’t take it anymore. Click Publish!