Hate alone is not enough to nourish. But there’s rage too.

Saw her for the first time in two months last night. I had to got pick up some remaining stuff. Pictures she used to have of us are gone. For some reason I was holding on to that. I suppose I’m not very realistic. We spent an hour or two together and talked about things going on with her. Not much about me. Sort of par for the course. That’s what I do. I’d rather fill the time with stuff about her instead of dealing with myself. I’m like a magician when it comes to changing the subject if the subject is me.
She told me about how she confronted her X from a decade and half ago. He was real bad to her. She nailed the dismount and was real proud of her self and I was too. She’s doing just fine. Living life.
I’m focusing on what’s not there and can’t see what is. I’m fine. I just feel like I’m taking a gaggingly mouth full bite of a shit sandwich when I wake up every morning. I’m fine. Job. Home. Mobility. The only thing that holds me to the pad is me and I’m pretty good at it.
We did talk about what I was doing with the place for a bit. I must have said something less than enthusiastic and she asked “you’re not excited about it anymore?”. I had to stop myself from asking “anymore?”. Figured that wouldn’t give any good results. I took this on because I thought it would keep us together. I realize now that it would take a lot more than this to keep us together. And of all shit that people do to try to save togetherdome (marriage, children, menage a trois) real estate has a pretty good upside.

Went back north this weekend to visit the family. It was Kari’s birthday almost too. Good to see all the players. Played in the pool. Didn’t have much to report to them ’bout the goings on of my life. Had some music to show them and they obliged.

Had one experience that convinced me I’m still not well. I was sitting by the steps and watching everyone play with M. T. who broke his collar bone and elbow. Bro, Kate, Ty and Kari in the pool. Chas throwing the ball back to them. Kris, M and Mom at the table. Everyone getting involved. Then I was watching D.J. do something and I just got down about what his life was going to be like. Came out of no where. He was laughing and having a good time but I still felt this way. I can’t imagine how bad I’d feel if he wasn’t healthy or something. Life should not be seen as a burden but I can’t seem to shake the notion. Certainly shouldn’t feel that way with how easy I’ve had it.