I gizmo’d with Dexter and his parents today. I also VNC’d into their computer so that I could see the pictures that he was looking at locally. He kept saying “this is good, justin, this is good”. I agree it was great. I also booked a flight down to orlando/tampa to hang out with them next weekend. That will be good too.
Today I woke up in a good mood. Which is pretty impressive since I got fairly hammered last night. I hit a few happy hours on the way home from work and got pretty tall. The day is going to include a lunch with the X. I’m not sure how to feel about it. She know’s that I’ve been seeing someone and that’s going to be awkward for the both of us I’m sure. For the past year or so (since the release), I’ve had the mind set that if she wanted me back that I would go back and would be happy. Lately, I’m realizing that getting back together won’t make me happy. I don’t know how to be happy. I place shitloads of expectations on myself, none of which I ever live up to and that leaves a shadow on the happy times.
To prepare for this meeting, I asked for some space from the newbie and it’s safe to say that she’s pissed about it. I’m trying to keep focus on the fact that I need down time and deserve it and don’t owe her this time. It’s mine. I can’t fault myself for needing this. Here comes the self attack. I can fault myself for not calling her. No not really. I do a lot of things (in fact everything) out of a manufactured sense of obligation. You’d be surprised how much time I spend doing things that I feel I have to. Not the things that I want to. The only time I consistently do things that I want to is when I catch a good buzz. I want to know how to do that without the buzz. Is it worse for me to call her out of obligation? or not to call her because I don’t feel like it?
I think the answer is obligation would be the worst. She doesn’t want that. Is that pity?
My only obligation is to myself right now. Finding passion. Cultivating it. Enjoying it.
I come at life from a different angle than most. At least I think. I’m the normal horny 30+ year old (proabably not as “normal” as a few years ago but at the same time a few light years healthier). So I’ve go this paranoia about women these days though. One were all they want is not to be happy with who they’re with but to be happy, as they define it by they owns or not. I have been seeing this girl lately that is more in tune to what I think than most people I’ve ever met but what does that mean if I don’t love her. I just feel like a loser. I know that I’m not because I could probably impress a few but I don’t feel like I’m up to whatever I’m supposed to be.
Don’t have much to say. I’m just trying to force myself to post. When we bought this building, there were Landmarks Violations and the mortgage company held back 7.5k in Escrow. I’ve put a fair amount of work into removing those. It can be a frustrating process as the LPC was not very responsive for while. Luckily, though, the violations have been removed and we stand to get that money back. I’d be like the lottery if it wasn’t our own money. More like taxes. Anyway, the money’s pretty much ear (not land) marked for a floor replacement project so it won’t provide much breathing room.
I woke up yesterday morning with the intention of going to the office. I decided against due to weather and the fact that the tasks I had were home-accomplishible (in theory). After an hour or two I started feeling a bit chilly and checked the t-stat which indicated that indeed the temperature had dropped well below the setpoint. The pipes were not warm so I needed to go to the basement and check the furnace.
My first observations were that the circulator was running and the exhaust flue was open meaning it wasn’t a power or controls issue. Then I peaked under the furnace and noticed no pilot light. I followed the isntructions for relighting which confirmed that the gas was still turned on but the pilot wouldn’t remain lit. A friend of mine determinted that the thermocouple might have burned out. This is a device is installed in the path of the pilot flame and senses that there is flame. When it works and feels the heat it allows the pilot valve/flame to stay on. If it doesn’t work or doesn’t feel the heat, the pilot valve is shut so that gas doesn’t build up.
It was a quick fix. I think I went to the hardware store and installed it in about 45 minutes. The heat was back on and it started getting hot in here.
But I think I’ll keep my clothes on.
Oh, even though that was a quick fix, I didn’t accomplish many work tasks.
I stall on everything. It’s as if I’m deciding whether to skydive rather than to eat breakfast or do laundry. Somehow the simplest decisions conflict me. Then if and when I finally arrive at a conclusion I waver or am easily distracted from it. There’s reason for me to believe that it’s because I’m so concerned with not completing a task that I never begin it at all. Or it could be that I just have attention defecit. Or motivation deficit. Since I have the tendancy to be negative let me see if I can turn that around…..
I have a sloth abundance or distraction surplus.
Ok. That’s more positive.
Thanks. That helped. I think I’ll try to talk these things out here in the blog instead of up in the thought bucket. That just leads to spiraling.
One of my fears about digital music distribution showed it’s beady little eyes to me the other night. I was on the phone with my nephew (who was about to watch Amercan Idle, which I could post entirely but won’t) and he was telling me about the 80’s rock that he was listening to. He said his father used to listen to the stuff but so did I as his dad and I were quite tight back then. When he mentioned Dokken, Extreme and Van Halen, I asked which VH albums. His reply was that he didn’t know because he just had them on his sister’s iWhatever. I realized that I’ve fallen victim to that as well. Like with the White Stripes. My exposure to them has been mostly through my Rio Karma and I don’t know anything about the progression of any of the albums or even which albums belong to which songs (strike that flip it). An era has passed that I relished in. Where you’d name what track on what album this song or that song was? Which album was first? What personnel was on which album? I have a friend that can probably tell you the track number, album and year of any Zeppelin tune.
I guess this is similar to the album sides going the way of the LP and tape with the advent of the CD.
Oh well. Onward and outward.
I’m just going board this train of thought and see where I end up. Few people know how I really feel and think. I mask it even from the people close to me. I’m having this feeling that I’m afraid I was more concerned with keeping her than with letting her know what and who I am. You know, being a tough guy, not letting things get to me, ignoring fears and peeves. Perhaps being more free would have ended it soone which may have been a good or bad thing. I miss that I had someone that knew me so well and spanned a bunch of years (1/3 of my life) with. People tell me that people change or that they don’t really know what they want when they get together at the age we did. That’s probably the case here.
She wasn’t happy for a while and the thruth is that I probably wasn’t either. The difference is that she knew she wasn’t happy and knew that she was entitled to be. I didn’t and wasn’t.
I’m having trouble keeping my head straight. My mental stability is far greater than it was a year ago at this time but I’m still extremely anxious and run down and weak. My feelings have far too much control over my behavior than my intelligence. There’s a lot of internal strife where there needn’t be. There are many people that would love to be in my situation (that sounds familiar) but I can’t seem to appreciate it. Am I just selfish? Unable to appreciate what I have? Always feeling like something is missing? Or is it that I don’t want the things that I have? Should I be seeking something completely different?
It’s concerning that I’m so complacent about life. So hopeless. So reserved to status quo and unwilling to desire and achieve something. I’m letting a lot of opportunities pass me by just because I’m too lazy or afraid or wrapped up in my self manufactured misery.
I think I’m a little too enthusiastic about mediocrity (my own that is). It’s a safe place to hang. When you fall you don’t land as hard as when you’re shooting for the sky. Sort of a shame. Because I am privelaged I can get what I need without as much struggle. That’s the origin of my new battle cry. Helllllll Mabye!!!!
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