Hate alone is not enough to nourish. But there’s rage too.

I keep letting these moments pass me by. I don’t have enough respect for missed opportunities and don’t allow them to teach me much. It’ll catch up to me, I know. Opportunities will be gone. Abilities. Skills. I envy (again but don’t learn from) people that I see enjoying what they’re doing and taking an active role in it. I guess it boils down to knowing what you want, having the confidence that you’re on the right path, the clarity to identify when you’re not heading the right way, and the strength to change it. Letting go. Living.
I have this recurring feeling that I have way too much faith and trust in the past, less in the present and almost none in the future. It’s a control issue.
Not preparing, caring or wanting a future = no direction. Part of living life is making decisions. I don’t. I leave things ambiguous. I’m ambivalent. About almost everything. Even the things that I know I want or enjoy. I don’t recommend it.

So I finagled this great business trip up to Row Dailand for next week. It bridges two weekends that I wanted to be up at the homestead. One for Z’s 30th birthday and another for Becca’s play. So I’m leaving on Saturday and staying until the next Sat or Sun. Looking forward to it. The work is super light too. Yeeehaw.

Talked to my cousin Matt today. It was his birthday last week and he’s officially half my age. Old fart. So I’m badgering him about what’s new and this and that and like most teenagers he says nothing. I’m thinking this happens because kids are just hopping through life not really appreciating what’s going on around then. So a little more questioning and he tells me that he may have broken this bone or that bone and that he got a computer for christmas and then when I’m talking to his mom she tells me he’s working on a model plane (something his father used to do). Then the tables turn and I’m asked what’s new. I say not much. Neglecting to mention with out further questioning all of the stuff that’s going on. New car. More music. Played a gig (although that’s a little old and needs to be repeated). It makes me realize that progress is slow and I have to evaluate it more often. It may not seem like much to me but it’s something.

So I was a little frustrated this morning tooling around brokelyn with a coffee cart being towed in front of me. They guy was going real slow which is to be expected because if that cart gets free then I’m in a bit of trouble. The annoying part was that the guy was ambiguous about his choice of lanes. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to pass left or right. Finally, the coffee slinger picked a lane so I cruised on around him. As I look in my rear view mirror I discover the vehicle that was towing the cart was a Mercedes Benz ML-350. Not bad. Maybe I should get a coffee cart.

I’m such a fucking old man today. Everything is getting on my nerves. Nothing seems to be going my way and the simplest tasks seem to be impassable. Don’t get me wrong, most people that know me well (a group to which I don’t belong) would agree that I’m an old man by nature. The difference is that I even sound like an old man to me.