Two separate friends have made the comment in recent months that I just won’t allow myself to be happy. So am I all that’s standing in my way? I suppose. I don’t have a passion to keep me active and focused so I just lull and exist. I’m mundane by choice. Nothing’s good enough even though it should be.
I’m pretty ineffective these days. I’m terrible at closing things out. I’m good at getting halfway into something and then getting distracted or lost. My ability to define or even complete tasks has deteriorated. Chances are I wasn’t ever really good at it but man have I worsened. Simple things too. The only thing I can effectively accomplish is laundry. Oh, one accomplishment I can claim is superior half-assed-ness. Work, Music, Life, Home, Family, Friends, Love, Hate, Happiness, Anger-All half-assed. They say you get out of life what you put into it. I’ve been graced with getting more than I’ve given.
It’s starting to catch up with me. I need to identify if I’m just plain lazy or if I’m just terrible at defining what stokes me about the things I do (if they stoke me at all). Or maybe I just have a miserable attitude. I don’t seem to take pride in anything that I do. Or maybe I’m just a pussy, too afraid to risk anything. Seems like I’m spiralling but at least I got all of this out. Me me me me me, I I I I. Maybe I’m too self centered and selfish to consider anything else but my self-loathing.
Gotta post more when I’m on top of my shit. This place is looking gloomy as hell.
I just got an email about a strategy to control gas prices from the consumer side. The email suggested buying gas from all but the two largest gas companies, Exxon and Mobil. My first impression is that this movement wasn’t well researched, as Mobil is owned by Exxon . A quick visit to their websites is convincing enough.
I don’t claim to have great perspective on the impact of gas prices because I don’t pay for my own and I live in a city with extensive public transit resources where driving isn’t economical because of traffic and parking. The only way to hurt the gas companies is to buy less, not change where you buy it. This means walking, car pooling, consolidating trips, leaving the SUV at home and driving your new Prius. Unfortunately, the only way to encourage the masses to think this way is to hit them in the wallet (the same tactic the email wanted to take on the gas companies). If things costs too much, people change their behavior or alternatives (hybrids, fuel efficiency technologies, public transit) become more economically attractive.
I feel lazy and unable to accomplish anything. I’m not even motivated enough to truely blow everything off.
I’m beat. Tired. But it’s to be expected. Had a long weekend that I want to post about and a pretty long day today. Just got up from the death grip of a power nap. Phone woke me up. E’s calling but I’m unable to regain sufficient mobility, consciousness or motivation to get it. It has sort of become a thing where she’s got a weekly thing going on in my neighb and she’ll hang in the hood afterward. Fairly understood. That spooks me. Even though she leaves a message I owe a call to Nubby-G. When I finally get up, I give n.g. a call and he wants to get a steak. My calling him first tells me that I’m a little reluctant to see E. I tell n.g. that I’ll call him back. Hanging w/ n.g. is something I don’t get to do too often.
I can’t sort out in my mind what I want or why I’m doing it. Not a big deal, just strained from the fatigue.
I start feeling obligated to E. She’s going to be all, “you should want to see me. It’s been a few days.” And she’s right. But I am probably going to see her out of obligation instead of desire. Obligation sounds harsh but that’s the best description I can muster. It’s not fair to either of us. It will be nice to see her. But it would be nice to see her tomorrow too. I don’t want her to feel unhappy because of me. An idle mind is the devil’s playground. I’m not too active in asserting or persuing my needs and wants so I end up with not much to do and then I think to myself… well I’m not doing anything better. All of this points towards apathy.
These don’t seem to be the thoughts of a well polished psyche. Full lot of indecision, indifference, ambiguity, conflict and a lacking in foundation, enthusiasm, and discipline. Just figure out what you want and get in the drivers seat. Passengering doesn’t seem to be fulfilling you.
P.O.S.
On why “sticking feathers in your ass does not make you a chicken,” a line from “Half-Cocked Concepts”:
“I think it’s something that’s entirely true, and it’s also a reference to one of my favorite movies, Fight Club. It’s one of those things that Brad Pitt’s just spitting really fast, one of the lines that just pops in there when he’s talking to Ed Norton. Like, have you hit bottom yet? No, you haven’t hit bottom yet. You can act like you’re upset, you can act like you’re disappointed, you can fuck around and say shit like ‘Oh man, I’m so depressed, life is so horrible,’ or whatever. Sticking feathers in your ass doesn’t make you a chicken?you haven’t hit bottom until you’ve hit bottom. You can’t fake it. Live, be happy, enjoy yourself.”
From The Onion
my parents have problems. they seem pretty miserable and unable to find a way to enjoy the fruits of their labor. they spent their life providing everything they could to their four children. they are two very differenet people. pops is a voracious thinker. very proud, confident and determined. mom is a voracious feeler. very emotional, empithetic and affectionate. i am very happy to have been from them. what i see is that they interact on such completely different terms that they never actually communicate. my intention was to write down a whole bunch of opinions about what is wrong with them and try to figure out how i might be able to impact the situation. at the same time figure out why i fail at relationships so well. i’m not at a point where i can do that here. in fact i may not be at a point where i can even do it privately. but i’ll try there first.
i don’t know how to say no. sometimes i’m more afraid of letting someone down that i’ll put there immediate needs before mine. now that may not sound like a bad thing. it might be considered generous, but it’s actually self-serving because i’m decieving the person into believing i really desire to do the things that i agree to even if that’s not true. it has a real negative affect in a relationship and if i constantly avoid hurting the other person by putting my stuff aside, then i start resenting the person or the relationship. after years of doing this, i sometimes don’t even know when i’m doing it. it’s probably me projecting my insecurities on the other person. like anticipating that s/he is as weak as me and can’t accept rejection. i guess the solution is to develop some self-assurance/confidence/reliance where i don’t seek acceptance from the outside but seek it from within. i’ll get right on that.
ugh.
people like to talk about themselves. i don’t like talking about myself that much. i mean i’ll do it but i’m not comfortable there. so pepole say i’m a good communicator when really all i am is a listener. i don’t contritute anything because i keep it locked up pretty well. that’s one reason the blog is sparse. it doesn’t come natural for me to pontificate or anything. i probably do it to protect myself but what i’m really doing is bottling things up. and if i actually communicated well then i’d let my thoughts and feelings out instead of trying to contain them. i thought of an analogy the other day between feelings and bottle rockets. if you light off a bottle rocket and it flies into the air it pops and that’s it no damage done, save for the nearby gnat or fly which may not fair well in the explosion. on the other hand if you set the bottle rocket off in a bottle, like facing down so it doesn’t move, then the explosion is going to destroy the bottle. so if you keep things locked up too long and don’t release them and resolve them then they’ll tear you up.
I was terrible today. I got nothing done. Well I did the laundry but that was it. Completely ineffective. No motivation. I allowed myself to just not work. It was discouraging. I have definite tasks that I could knock out but I didn’t. Which makes me feel worse and on and on. It’s a very self-desctructive path. I guess I can just call it a rut but I need to start bootstrapping a little more effectively. Either that or just come to terms with my shortcomings and at least stop feeling bad. Tomorrow’s a new set of 24 if I wake up for it so all I can do is try to be better tomorrow.
I had a really good trip back north last week. I had business in Rhode Island that I volunteered for because it’s real close to Becca’s school. I went up on a Saturday and hung out with some friends and the Watertown crew. There was some static back in Brooklyn so that sort of sucked but I was among friends/family. Then out to Stow for some steak. My bro finally agreed to cut my hair. I’d bothered him about it a few times and he never wanted the responsibility. He did a good job and I look funny. Like him. He made me cut his and I did a terrible job. Lots of missed spots but I did take the opportunity to shred up his ear a little with the clippers. That sucked.
I missed out on going to Lancaster but it was just as well cause everyone was tired. I left from Stow in the morning and after getting caught speeding in RI, I arrived at the APC plant. Thinigs didn’t look good there. They weren’t ready and they looked pretty nervous. the ended up postponning the testing until the next week. I was still able to do some testing on my side of the system so I stuck around until Wednesday. I decided that, since I had to be back on Friday for my sisters play I’d stay and work from Watertown on a few things. I went there and hung out with Matt, Mariel, Dexter and Alissa for a few days. Totally blew off work on Friday and played Soul Caliber. My thumbs were sore. I did get to see Becca’s play and she rocked it. Then I went out to Lanc and hung with my sister and the kids. It was good. I helped Kris take care of some stuff on the house and it seemed to be a shot in the arm. She’s been pounding away at stuff since then. It’s good to see.
I was able to spend some good time with everyone which has been a tough thing for me for the past few years. And with my general shitty disposition of late, the trips that I’ve made back there have been less than I’d've liked to have made them.
Can’t get it moving today. It’s already a wash. Just no motivation whatever. I need to get myself moving. I couldn’t even motivate to play music this weekend. Ugh. General disgust. I should have posted over the past few days when I was feeling better. ish. Like Thursday. For some reason, Thursday was good. I had no problems at all. I was in a good mood. It was a good day. Perhaps there’s a correlation between the idility that motivates me to post and my gloomy moods. So, it’s the days that I’m struggling when I choose to post.
I just got back from the laundry place. These two little girls from down the street were giggling and looking at me so I ask them “what’s going on ladies?” The older one tells the younger one “go ahead tell him christine…” She looks up at me laughing and says “Your shirt is on backwards.” I look and their right. But this isn’t like just a t-shirt it’s like a jersey thing with buttons down the front (well, back in my case). We all had a good laugh. I asked them how they knew it wasn’t my pants that were on backwards or perhaps even my head. I think the problem is with my head but that’s another subject for another post.
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